


Night Vale Broadcast

by jonaht



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-07
Updated: 2013-10-07
Packaged: 2017-12-28 18:24:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/995077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jonaht/pseuds/jonaht





	Night Vale Broadcast

A strange new wind has arrived in Night Vale. Beware, Dear Listeners.

For those of you who were already outside when the new winds arrived last night or for those of you who bravely ventured out into them for, oh I don’t know, maybe to walk your dog, of course not in the dog park where no dogs are allowed, or maybe you went outside to buy groceries in order to live, or just maybe for a midnight stroll down your street. In any case, you will have discovered those strange new winds that at first go one way and then without any warning start to blow in the exact opposite direction, or they might even make an immediate abrupt left turn and blow from that direction. They appear to blow a bit harder than a light breeze and tend to try to push you in the direction of their own choosing. But don’t worry, my Listeners. They are not so strong as to actually blow you from our town. The only thing to worry about is the way they make you feel.

Bob Reynolds reports that he first felt fine when he entered the winds but then they changed directions and he felt sad, melancholy. Then the winds wiped in from his right side and he was suddenly cheery, almost bursting out with laughter. That was until they moved again, coming from an angle and he was angry. He reports that he just wanted to howl and then take a machete to the first person he met. Dear Listeners, there have been no reports of any people attacked by a machete, yet. There was that one call-in by our faithful listener Freida MacIntire who saw a young boy, who may have been her neighbor, Benny running down the sidewalk in front of her home carrying a carving knife in his hand. Afterwards she heard some screaming coming from her other neighbor. She didn’t see him again so there is no proof that anything bad has happened. So if you go outside watch out for anyone carrying sharp instruments, a good policy to have in any case, but especially when the wind blows from that particular angle. Which angle I’m not just sure of as reports are still arriving.

And now a word from our sponsor. Listeners, are you tired of always being a loser? Always being the last one chosen or having to sit out from all of the activities? Do you feel like a lost cause? Then you are a winner. For life is hard and lonely and we should all be alone. Alone with our morose feelings and lost in our own minds. Where else should our thoughts be lost in? Someone’s else’s? That would be bad. So remember when feeling like a loser, that makes you a winner and that’s good. Wendy’s…eat here.

There was a meeting today to hear from our mayor. But as we don’t yet have a new mayor not much was said. Only reporters showed up to hear the silence from our non-mayor since it is mandatory that they show at all press conferences. As it was held outside in the wind a bit of confusion soon ensued. At first the reporters laughed at the empty podium and then shook their fists at it. They even took a moment to stare at the sky for some odd reason and last before shuffling off to file their non-reports every reporter burst out into song. Our newest reporter goes by the name of Will Hickens. He was recently elected by a random forced entry into his new job by our beloved City Council since our reporters have seemed to be diminished recently. Good for Will! He reported that the song that they had burst out singing was an Irish ballad which none of them had ever heard before and yet they somehow all knew the words. Oh, to have heard it with my own ears. Oh well.

And now for the weather…

I’m sorry to interrupt into our fabulous weather report but a note was slipped under my door by Station Management. They wrote, “We all know the weather. We all know it is windy outside. Do not report on the weather. Do no waste our time and money reporting on the weather that we already know about.”

On that note, the Sheriff’s Secret Police in an unprecedented motion has agreed to work with our City Council to move our town over ten feet. It appears that the winds, although they do change directions frequently causing massive mood swings for anyone caught in them, they are apparently stuck in one area. They never seem to leave that spot. So in order to prevent any beheadings or massacres from that certain angle of wind, and not that beheadings and massacres have anything wrong with them in general for everything has its place, don’t you agree. Anyway the Sheriff’s Secret Police and the City Council as arraigned to move our town ten feet over to the south. This event will happen tonight.

There is nothing to concern yourself about, Dear Listeners. When you wake in the morning our fearful leaders assure us that everything will be exactly as it was before you went to sleep. You won’t even notice that the town has been moved. Every street, every house, even every flower and blade of grass will be in the exact same position, but only ten feet to the south. What amazing leaders we have, Night Vale! What awe inspiring powers they hold over us! And what great love they must have for us in order to protect us from those mood altering winds. Of course, there may be some people who will face some challenges, especially those who live along the edge of town. Your house may be stuck in the Sand Wastes. You may wake to find that you have been pulled down and buried beneath layers of sand. You may find yourself and your home moved only to be surrounded by a new environment that you had hoped to avoid by buying your home ten feet away from it. But that is a noble sacrifice four our great town.

And perhaps that is a lesson for us all to learn. Ten feet is really not that far away from dangers best avoided. We should all be more than an arm’s length away from dangers, real or imagined. And in Roger Burns’s case, I mean that quite literally. I mean, have you seen his arms. Wow! Anyway, don’t build a home, a place of refuge to keep the dark away, a place of safety where you can huddle in the corner and whimper in fear to your hearts delight, don’t build such a paradise a mere ten feet away from a bog or any other dangerous areas. You never know when it will have to be moved. 

I will wake tomorrow morning and walk among our town in our new lovely location. A town that I am sure will be fresh and new and yet as familiar to us as the back of our own hands. So sleep well knowing we are safe in our leaders’ hands. Good night, Dear Listeners, good night.


End file.
